


if heaven's grief brings hell's rain

by weasleyspotter



Category: The OC
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Familial Abuse, Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-03
Updated: 2013-08-03
Packaged: 2017-12-22 07:52:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/910742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weasleyspotter/pseuds/weasleyspotter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, she wonders if she would have done anything differently. But then she remembers that she can't change anything. </p><p>A Character-Study into the life of Dawn Atwood and her relationship with Ryan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if heaven's grief brings hell's rain

**Author's Note:**

> A few notes: 
> 
> One, there is a mention of Underage sex and Familial abuse. If that offends you, just letting you know. 
> 
> Two, one section isn't Marissa friendly. I don't consider it to be bashing, but more of Dawn seeing the similarity between her and Marissa. And it could be constructed as me reflecting poorly on Marissa. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

i.

When she was fourteen, she slept with Frank Atwood. 

It was a mistake. She was drunk and upset, and he was looking hot as hell with that bruise from his latest fight (in retrospect, he wasn’t that hot, she was just really desperate). It didn’t help that her ex-boyfriend (if she could call him that) was making out with that slut, Suzy Pepper, in the opposite corner. Who the fuck named their kid Suzy Pepper anyway? She was obviously a whore. 

Frank looked hot. It was that simple. One minute she’s downing five shots in succession, the next he has her pressed up against the bathroom door as they frantically thrust against each other. 

When they are finished, she expected him to walk off; he fucked her against a bathroom door after all, why should she expect any better from him? But he just slipped on his tank and stared at her until she got up, and followed her out. 

ii.

When she’s seventeen, she got pregnant by Frank Atwood. 

They had an on and off relationship since the first time they fucked. And now, when they weren’t on, she found out that she was knocked up. 

She thought about not telling Frank and just getting rid of the thing. But that new clinic that opened up, Planned Parenthood, kept trying to get her to keep the thing, and the shady guy that promised to help her out was asking for too much money. 

So she had to explore her other options. 

She thought about adoption. That was the easiest. Easier than actually taking care of the spawn that was in her stomach. That meant she was still pregnant and living in Chino, Frank was bound to find out. It didn’t help that it was common knowledge that she hadn’t been with a guy since their last break-up, thanks to that whore Jennifer, whom Frank had been sleeping with right after they broke up. 

So she decided that she should out and tell him. Tell him she was pregnant, and she was giving up the kid, cause there’s no way in hell that she’s raising the spawn of her and Frank. That was way too fucked up.

iii.

When she was eighteen, she got married. 

She got back together with Frank when he showed up at Planned Parenthood during her sixth month begging to be a part of her and the baby’s life. 

Things change really quickly. He got a job, and dropped out of school (not that it was a big deal either way, he hardly ever went). She stopped referring to the baby as spawn or thing, and started actually contemplating names. The folders filled with potential parents are cast aside to make room for the baby crib. 

He proposed to her during her eighth month. They spent the entire day trying to assemble the second-hand changing table that they bought at the drive for new parents that the clinic set up. By the end of the day, the table was still in pieces and they weren’t pissed, they were actually laughing. She wasn’t watching Frank rage at the pieces of wood that lay in pieces, she was watching him roll on the floor in stiches, while she clutched her stomach, barely able to control herself. 

He looked up at her long and hard for a second, before he asked her. She stopped laughing and stared back at him. It doesn’t occur to her to say they’re too young, because he’s already knocked her up, and she made him get three jobs just to support them. They’re not young anymore. 

It made sense to say no. Whether they are mentally mature or not, she doesn’t love him. Hell she doesn’t even love the kid that’s growing in her stomach. 

But it also made sense to say yes. They lived together. They were going to be parents. He’s changed. She’s changed. Marriage seemed like the right thing. 

Not that they ever did the right thing. They started fucking when she was fourteen, after all. 

And he knocked her up. 

But maybe if they were married, this thing would make sense. Maybe marriage would make her love Frank. Maybe it would make her actually feel like a mother towards the alien growing in her stomach. 

It makes sense. 

So she said yes. 

iv.

When she’s twenty-two, she got pregnant. Again. 

She spent the first two months wondering it would be like to actually plan to get pregnant. But then she remembered that she lived in Chino, and that no one actually plans to get pregnant there. 

Then she wondered if she was tempting fate, because for the first time things were actually decent. Frank had a steady job at the auto shop, she hadn’t been fired in sixth months, and Trey wasn’t being kicked out of the YMCA day care. 

And then she got knocked up. Again. 

It felt like she was seventeen all over again. 

Except this time, abortion and adoption weren’t options. 

She was married, she already had a kid, and they actually had a little extra money, so it didn’t make sense for her to get rid of the kid. 

This time is different. They are better prepared for her pregnancy. They actually start to save up. She got an extra job, and Frank went back to working three. Paloma got pregnant as well so she dropped most of her hospital shifts so she could spend more time at home, which meant free baby-sitting for Trey. 

But things are also the same. They obviously don’t want the kid. They’re trapped, even more than their marriage and Trey trapped them. They try to make the best of things, try to forget the fact that they’re married to people they don’t love, having kids they don’t care about. 

It doesn’t work. 

v.

When she’s twenty-three, she fell in love. 

She went into labor at work. 

The guy that was standing in front of her, trying to argue that his fake ID was actually real, freaked out at the sight of a pregnant woman bent over the counter moaning and ran. Her coworkers crowd around her, as her manager called an ambulance and her husband. 

The hospital, by some miracle, gave her a lot of painkillers. 

She didn’t have any when she was giving birth to Trey. The clinic didn’t use them because they cost more. But the hospital handed them out in large doses, and she didn’t care that they’re going to bill her for it later, because the meds give her the most unreal experience. 

She doesn’t really remember most of the birth. It’s a mess of blood and other fluids, yelling, and bright lights. She blacked out afterwards. 

And when she woke up, she was in a room with four other women, recovering as she was, and there was bassinette next to her. 

The baby started crying and she had absolutely no idea what to do. Does she reach over and pick up the child that is supposedly hers, even though she never had, nor probably would have any motherly feelings towards it? 

With Trey, it was a little easier because until Trey was old enough to hold up his head, she has her mom live with them to take care of him. Her mom refuses point blank this time.

But the baby was crying and there was no nurse in sight, so she reached in and picked up the squirming bundle. She assured herself she was doing it because she didn’t want to hear the freakishly high-pitched screams. 

The boy calmed down in her hands, his body relaxing at her touch, and she mimicked his reaction. She peered into the blanket and stared into the bright blue eyes of her baby. 

“Hey,” she said softly. The baby shifted at her voice, and she smiled brightly. 

Ryan was a good name for a baby boy. 

vi. 

When she was thirty, she thought for the first time that there was something seriously wrong with her husband. 

She wasn’t very good with situations. Mostly she just tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. And for the longest time, that seemed to work with Frank. He never was a confront-your-problems-head-on type of guy. 

But there came a point when she couldn’t ignore the fact that Frank lost all his jobs, Trey somehow managed to get in trouble in middle school, and Ryan was getting quieter by the day. 

She didn’t have the perfect family, she always knew that, but there never used to be this many empty beer bottles around her house. 

She wasn’t the perfect wife, but they used to make the whole marriage thing work. Now it seemed like it wasn’t even worth it. Frank was more interested in what was on at ten o’clock at night, or when exactly her paycheck was coming. 

The first time she actually got a reaction from him is when she lost her job. 

He went crazy. 

vii.

When she was thirty-three, Frank went to jail. 

“You have the right to remain silent.” 

Three years. 

She let him hit their kids and her for three years. 

Did she know any better? Was it fair to blame him, or should she blame herself? 

“Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” 

Should she have let it get to the point where the police were forced to investigate when the nurse at the hospital thought that the Atwood family was spending way too much time at the hospital? Should she have stopped it after Trey had to get those seven stiches, or before Ryan broke his arm when Frank shoved him into the coffee table? 

She lifted the near empty beer bottle to her mouth, ignoring the flashing of the television. She was a horrible mother, but that wasn’t going to change now. She just couldn’t deal with her kids. Not yet. 

“Mom?” 

Ryan stood nervously in the doorway of the kitchen, wringing his hands. She almost wanted to open her arms and give him a hug. Almost. 

“What do you want Ryan?” 

His face cringed and he shot back from the door. The red lights flashed against his face, illuminating every line of his face strangely, making him seem older than he actually was, maybe even more than he ever should be. 

“Nothing.” 

“You have a right to an attorney.” 

viii.

When she was thirty-five, she gave up. 

Drake was bad news. 

She should’ve known that from the start. And yet she fell for him. Just like all the other guys. He picked her up at a bar, showed her a good time, promised to whisk her away, and then took advantage of the fact that she had a house with running water. 

He wasn’t all that bad. He never hit her kids, he paid for stuff...sometimes. But he didn’t raise his fists, and that counted for something. 

She missed him, even though she doesn’t want to, she missed him. Because even though he was bad news, he made her feel like maybe her life wasn’t as screwed up as she thought it was. 

She rested the chilled beer bottle against her forehead. He hadn’t left more than fifteen minutes ago, and she was already a mess. 

It truly was pathetic just how dependent on men she had become. Every time she broke up with one of her boyfriends, she promised herself she wouldn’t be with another man for a long time. Within a week she was back in someone’s bed, forgetting all her problems. 

The phone rang shrilly, shaking her out of her thoughts. Her hand trembled over the receiver for a moment, before she picked it up. 

“Hello.” 

“Mrs. Atwood?” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“Mrs. Atwood, this is Principal Torres. I’m calling because Trey’s been caught with a packet of cocaine on him at school. As per our code, I’m going to have to expel him for possessing a controlled substance. The police have been notified. I’ll need you to come and pick him up.” 

Her hand slammed down the receiver without a response. She lifted the beer bottle to her lips, her hand trembling like crazy. 

She was alone. She had no decent guy. Her first son was a good for nothing, recently expelled student. Her second son, well she didn’t know shit about him, but he’d probably grow up to be just like her ex-husband and her first son, so she couldn’t count on him either. 

So what was the point? 

ix.

When she was thirty-nine, she let him go. 

He was living the good life; she’d be blind not to see it. 

For the first time, one of her sons, hell, one of her family, had something good in their life, and she wasn’t about to screw it up. She couldn’t stay in Newport and watch her be the reason that he had to give it all up. She couldn’t watch her drinking and gambling lead to her son hanging his head in shame. 

The woman, Kirsten, doesn’t understand. Probably because she’s always been perfect, because she’s been the binding force of her family, the Cohens. But she doesn’t understand what it’s like to be the one thing that tears a family apart. 

She saw the disappointment on his face, and the acceptance. He didn’t try and stop her. He didn’t even say anything. Because he knew the truth that the woman didn’t. He knew the pain and lies that she caused.

And she reassured herself that she was being the bigger person. Giving up her son, once and for all, she was coming out as a better person. 

x. 

When she was forty-one, she saw him graduate. 

She was so proud. He was the first one in her family to finish high school, and the first to actually go to college. 

“Ryan Atwood.” 

He walked across the stage, a proud smile on his face. She and he were the only ones who knew just how special he was. 

All the other kids there, they were smart. They were probably going to big colleges with loads of money to back up their names. 

But he was the only kid that really worked his ass off to go to college, she was sure of that. 

So as she sat beside his other parents, she clapped as hard as she could, because she was just so proud of him. 

xi.

When she was forty-two, she found out Marissa had died. 

She wasn’t surprised to hear that he left. That he ran away after realizing that his first love had been cruelly taken away from him. It was strange to find out that he was innocent, not that she believed he killed Marissa, but that he ran away because he had no hand in her death and that he couldn’t save her. 

She also wasn’t surprised that Kirsten called her. 

It was in that moment that she realized that she was no longer Ryan’s mom. Sure, she was his mother. She gave birth to him. She raised him, to an extent. But she let go of him. She gave him up so that he was someone else’s responsibility. 

Kirsten was his mom now. Because even though they both knew that Ryan was probably physically okay, Kirsten was the one that was truly frightened by the fact that he ran away. She, on the other hand, just assumed that he’d probably come back if he needed something. Perhaps this was the motherly instinct she had always lacked. She never learnt how to fear for her child. She had always assumed that they’d learn to be brave on their own, or to just not care like she had.

But she felt horrible for him. He didn’t deserve to see the girl that he loved murdered in front of him. 

However, unlike Kirsten, she knew that there was also a reason. 

In the three years that she spent away from him, she realized just how much of an influence she had been on him. Her drinking had brought their family shame, her bad choices had hurt him, and her failures had driven him to another family. And yet, she couldn’t let go. 

Not till she saw that he was better off without her. 

She met Marissa only once. She had merely caught a glance of the girl, but she had seen clearly how taken her son was by the blonde beauty. 

After that, she only heard about the girl through the various letters she exchanged with Kirsten and her son. 

It wasn’t until they got a chance to talk after graduation that she learned about the multiple break-ups, the fights, the drinking, etc. And she realized that she was like Marissa. They both loved Ryan, maybe too much, because they couldn’t let him go, not even after realizing how badly they affected his life. 

She still felt horrible that the girl had to die to leave Ryan, even more so knowing that the girl was actually leaving the country when she died. (Because that girl was trying to do what she did. Give Ryan a better chance.)

But she knew that the girl would have eventually come back to Berkley in the fall where she would continue to affect Ryan. 

Maybe it was for the best. 

xii.

When she was forty-seven, she met Taylor.

She loved that her son kept in contact with her throughout college. His monthly emails kept her involved in his life, to an extent. 

There was a distance between them that bothered her. Maybe it was because she pretty much gave him up. And yet she wanted him to be more a part of his life. 

But she knew that he was better off without her screwing up the good things in his life. So she responded to his emails without fail. And she called him once and awhile. It wasn’t everything, but it was enough. Besides, she had her own life going for her. A steady job, Ron, a new house, and her son in her life. She had it all. 

And then Ron proposed. 

She was ecstatic, over the moon with happiness, all the happy words in the world. For the first time she realized why all those girls got all riled up over weddings. She started planning everything. They both didn’t have all that much money, so a simple wedding at city hall would have to do. But she got a nice dress (half-off at Ross) and dressed up a few of her co-workers as her bridesmaids. She managed to negotiate some hours with no pay in return for renting out the diner for their reception. And then she invited Ryan. 

Even though they were finally on good terms, she still worried that he wouldn’t want to come. She remembered how he had reacted when he found out that she was dating Ron. His experience with her ‘boyfriends’ wasn’t very good. 

And yet he showed up. Stood right up there at the front, with a tight smile, and an auburn haired girl standing next to him with a large smile. 

After the wedding, she hugged him tight, murmuring her thanks in his ear. He need to know how happy she was that he came. 

He introduced her to Taylor, the auburn girl with the large smile, his girlfriend. 

Taylor liked to talk. A lot. Maybe more than she was ever used to. 

But she saw the way Taylor acted around her son. The way she smiled at him, and laughed at what he said. Every time he looked vaguely uncomfortable, she would stroke his hand gently with thumb, a gesture that would instantly calm him. 

As he left, he smiled at Taylor brightly and muttered something too low to be overheard, but whatever it was, it put a radiant smile on the girl’s face. 

She wondered if she’d be invited to their wedding. 

He came over to her before they left, announcing that they’d miss their flight if they didn’t leave soon, and she just smiled at him brightly, her eyes tearing up, because she had never in her life thought they would end up like this. 

“I love you,” she said softly, hugging him tightly. “I always have.” 

“I know,” he said, “I love you too.”


End file.
